Birdie walking--arms out-stretched, high-stepping knees, curled-under toes.
3 weeks in a row, 3 solitary hours to write read, at my favorite coffee shop.
Fear becoming hard work, frustration becoming change, some long-time personal goals finally being realized.
Peace within the complicated present.
Pea looking up at me suddenly and yelling, "Bow to the how cow!" I don't know, either, but it sure was funny.
Hello, out there...it's me, it's really me. And I think I might be ready to come back.
I've been thinking about trying to resurrect this little space and reconnect with anyone still out there...anyone? Oh well, I understand, it HAS been pretty hit and miss since little Birdie arrived on the scene. There are perfectly good reasons for that, but...I'm wondering if I can try to jump back in and see what happens?
It's been a bumpy few months around Chez Kaye but I am hopeful. Ok, it's actually been a really intense year. For the first time ever I am actually looking forward to a certain child's NEXT year and feeling pretty well done with and OVER this last one. Birdie, I'm looking at you, kid. And Jeffrey and I are...working on things. Yeah, I know that's the point of marriage/partnership/lifelong relationship but, uh, the REALITY of lifelong partnership has some rather down periods, it turns out, and we are currently working through some...stuff, shit, details...there are variously applicable terms, depending on the day. The girls are brilliant and healthy and growing way too fast and sometimes not fast enough (again, depending on the day) but mostly way too fast. And I...I'm learning to forgive (again) and let go of a LOT of hurtful people and experiences and actually move ON; I'm learning (again) to lean into the change that life continues to throw at me/us (still! what the hell?); I'm feeling challenged all the time in the way I parent and guide the girls, to think things through a little better and be less rigid. I'm still way too hard on myself. I'm still grateful for every single minute I have with these funny, small human girl creatures.
I've recently begun to regularly journal privately, something I haven't done consistently in years, and oh goodness, has it been cathartic and clarifying. I'm going to be keeping most of my ramblings and inner thoughts to myself for a bit and spare you the finer points and gorier details of my current journey, mostly because part of the process is naming a lot of old things and old relationships and I can't and won't do that here or publicly (yikes), but I have a little plan for regular updates and more regular involvement with the friends I've made along this way. My plan is to tag along with the Grace in Small Things crew, and post weekly 5 things or moments of grace plus a photo or two. I know it's meant to be a daily post, but hey now, weekly is going to be a big step up from what I've been doing the past 6, 7, 8 months, right? Right??!
I'll also be posting old-school updates on the girls.
I'm almost frightened by what I've just publicly committed to.
Here goes...
