And now it's February

My poor, sad, neglected little blog...

Thank you to all of you who have sent me notes the past few weeks and wondered, quite kindly, how I am and what my plan was. I am good. We are well. Life is full and funny and sleepless and challenging. The usual. The plan is that I get away for an evening every week to write and catch up and have some time to gather my thoughts properly, but the past 5 or 6 weeks I've discovered that I've been enjoying using that time to just BE. Sitting in a coffee shop open late watching the people coming and going and listening to their sane and strange orders, staring at other people's pets and children, pretending to be completely absorbed in the books I'm reading, enjoying a deliciously uninterrupted and quiet phone call with a friend, and thinking of all the words and thoughts I'd love to put down on paper if only my two hours were magically turned to four.



It feels like the last few weeks have been a time of great untangling.

There were several quite stressful situations in December and January involving several people that we love dearly and then there was good news and then there was worse and then there was good again. All from different places. Am I talking in code? A little. I've only ever openly discussed my immediate family. But we have found true family and community all over and when anyone that we love hurts or hurts someone it tends to weigh very heavily on my heart. And I am finally beginning to learn how to love people without carrying everything that's going on with them. Beginning. It's especially hard to learn this in situations involving children.



What do I mean by untangling...

My heart was so heavy by the year's end and so much kept happening and there just hasn't been enough sleep since a certain (beautiful and intense) person arrived late last summer, and the world seems to be falling to complete shambles all around us, and friend after friend has lost their job, and divorce looms for another, and in my house there is teething and toilet training and almost-three-years-old-dramatic-defiance that for a few weeks there I had a really hard time finding and noticing the good and beautiful. Almost anywhere. And the Great Tiredness that is the early years of parenting wasn't doing me any favors.



But sitting here tonight, in bed next to Jeffrey, with my shiny green laptop and a glass of red wine and for a few minutes. at least, both babies asleep, I realize that I am feeling hopeful again. Mostly because I am learning how to let people and their paths and stories and challenges mark up my heart in a way that doesn't leave me unable to breathe. Compassion and fear sometimes look the same in makeup but...they're very different creatures in the morning.

There is so much I want for this year that my heart nearly bursts with the possibilities. I want three beautiful, wise, funny friends to find the kind of love that makes eloping in Vegas a pretty safe bet. I want a certain beautiful, wise, trustworthy friend to find out she's pregnant. I want talented, smart, and kind friends to find new jobs and ways of supporting their families, ways that somehow can also include time for their families. I want to see my partner and best friend reach more of his goals this year and be rewarded more and more for his hard work. I want to see more community developed between our neighbors and more sharing of resources and knowledge. I want to be faithful with the small amount of time I have with my children and to learn how to use it wisely. I want to be kinder to myself. I want to keep reading more and more. I want to start studying again for doula work. I want to be more disciplined. I want to be more patient.



I keep hearing the word "persevere" over and over and over. Persevere, persevere, persevere. I am working on faithfulness.

Today we learned that another friend's cancer is terminal. This is at least the 5th time in as many years.

This weekend we are celebrating Valentine's Day as a family in a certain way I am hoping becomes another tradition. I will show you pictures and tell you more in a few days.



I will probably still be a bad blogger for a while...