Dinner

Friday night of our Bellevue trip was spent having dinner with Jeffrey's sister and her boyfriend. They have a lovely home, with a beautiful yard, and a sweet dog named Tikki and a cute cat named Lulu. We had such a good time. And the food was delicious: salmon grilled with lemons and thyme from her garden, grilled asparagus, and a lovely, cold quinoa salad. There was plenty of wine and so much good conversation and catching-up.

Susan and Jeffrey are actually step-sister/step-brother, but she is very dear to him. She's the sort of person I find very easy to love--she's real, if you know what I mean. Authentic. Her boyfriend is great. I even ignored the "none of my business" rule and told her to keep him. (I know--still working on boundaries over here...)

Enjoy the photos.

Permanent

I'm having a hard time describing what I did a few weeks ago without sounding completely sentimental. And I try my best to write with emotional honesty. But it still sounds a bit syrupy. So instead of words I give you pictures. Two pictures of what I did.

One down

Today is the one year anniversary of this little blog. I originally began as a way to remember things about Penelope that didn't fit in the little boxes and squares of most memory books (First Bath, First Tooth, etc) I had quickly discovered that--once again--I got irritated and out of sorts when forced to only write within the lines and answer ONLY pre-determined questions. Most of the first year of posting has been focused on Pea and written as tiny letters to her future, grown-up self. When she wants to know what she was like or wants to hear stories about herself, I will have some moments here to fall back on and to help stir the other memories in the back of my brain.

Over this next year I plan to continue writing mostly about my life with her, as that is probably the safest thing, and dropping in occasional thoughts on other life-happenings. I admire the bloggers who post daily (or more!) and with much detail about their lovely, daily lives, but they are mostly anonymous and I, in my postpartum haze, began this in our true names and it's much too late now.

I had planned to write more--more often, more stories, more recounting of Pea and her funny, bright self. I look back over this last year and there seems to be so much less than I remember putting into sentences and paragraphs. Once again I fall back on that tired, old excuse of mothering, for it truly takes up more time than I could ever have imagined. Well, that and keeping the house clean, breakfast/lunch/dinner made, play dates, family stuff, church stuff, laundry that never ends....etc.

I want to promise that I'll be more punctual--more regular in my posting and writing--but the truth is, just like I don't fit well within little boxes and lines, I also don't love having too much routine. I'm well beyond apologizing for it, too. That's just the way it is.

Calm

The last few weeks have been a blur of family stuff, death, more family stuff, packing, travel, memories, tears, laughter, frustration, and Figgy's memorial. I'll try to write the more interesting parts soon, but.... I am often hesitant to set certain things out in this space, in this medium, as it has never been a private thing or place to me and I am obviously not writing anonymously.

Anyhoo.

While I run errands and pick up a cat (oh yes, you heard right--grrr) and take Penelope out to play, here is a link to today's poem over at The Writer's Almanac. It's lovely and calming.

Love List , ver. 13.5 months

She blows kisses at anyone and everyone she sees and anytime she has to say goodbye. She especially loves the reaction from strangers--their hard faces melting into gooey smiles, their speech slowing, and their eyes opening wide.

Sometimes she kisses me so much that I have to pull my face away and ask for air. It's adorable--right cheek, mouth, left cheek, mouth, right cheek, right ear, nose, mouth, left cheek....

She has started calling Jeffrey "Daddoo" as well as "Daddy". Sometimes she says, "Daddoo wuddoo", which means, "Daddy I love you".

She has a new happy dance where she stomps her feet up and down and up and down while bending her head over and looking at her feet and then raising her head up and back, back, back. It looks positively tribal and possibly African. I love it.

She is suddenly clumsy again, like she's learning how to navigate corners and halls all over again. I think she's growing. Her eyeteeth just popped through and now the same spaces on her bottom gum are swollen. Teeth numbers 13-16, and she's only just turned one.

She threw her first full-on three-year-old style tantrum last week. We were at a coffee shop and she was not being handed her friend Xander's hot chocolate like she was demanding. I picked her up to give her something else and she threw her little body over my arms and flailed her limbs about and made these horrible squawking and screeching sounds. I got my own first taste of how strangers without children respond to toddlers. They were more annoying than Pea, by a long shot.

She is sweet, sweet, sweet. She is gentle with babies and loves animals, especially dogs. She plays well with other kids and loves to chase anyone bigger or faster than she. When she has a snack or a cup of milk, she takes her Curious George and her baby and sits them down with her and feeds them too. If she finds a tissue in my purse, she will first pretend to wipe her nose and then she will wipe George and Baby's nose too.

She signs all kinds of things--diaper, drink, eat, more, telephone, baby, book, bird, dog, shoes etc.--and is learning more German and English words. She likes to say, "Dere!" (there) when she puts anything down or closes a door. She can point to all the places on her body as you name them--toes, feet, leg, knee, belly, hand, mouth, eyes, ears, nose, head.

She likes to change her clothes throughout the day and likes to carry various articles of clothing around the house as she plays. She loves shoes. She likes to put on a pair with her pajamas after her nighttime bath, before bed. She likes to put her feet inside Jeffrey's sneakers and try to dance.

She just figured out how to play her harmonica and she'll carry it around making exaggerated blowing and spluttering sounds while she tries to get more sound out of it. If she hears music she likes she runs and gets her drum or her tambourine and starts dancing and playing.

She usually goes down for a nap with hardly a cry or a sound. We're starting to transition from two naps to one at mid-day, but some days she still does better with two. If she's tired she'll lay her head down on the floor and make yawning sounds and then she'll sit up and say, "Mama, Mama" and make sure I've noticed. I'll say, "Are you tired?" and she'll say, "Uh-HUH".

She likes to twirl around and around in circles until she's dizzy and thinks it's hilarious to try and walk while everything is still spinning. She also likes to put the hood of her jacket over her face and then walk around and around until she runs into something, giggling the whole time.

Last week she started putting her head and hands over onto the floor like she was going to do a somersault. I'm not sure where she had learned or seen that, but I showed her how to tuck her head under and then flipped her over. It won't be long before she can do one all by herself. We now have tumbling time every day.

I still love to watch her when she sleeps--her little flushed face and her curled up legs and arms, her long dark lashes and her sweet little mouth.

On my mind

"We tend to defend vigorously things that in our deepest hearts we are not quite certain about. If we are certain of something we know, it doesn't need defending."

"No wonder I yell for a God I do not understand in times of stress. Every time I've tried to depend on a human being it's been disastrous."

"We are all inadequate; that is simply part of the human condition and it's a major temptation to dwell on that rather than accepting and understanding that we do the best we can and that is all that God expects of us. Sometimes the best we can is far better than we think it is."

(Madeleine L'Engle)

Yesterday

She discovered her shadow:

Eulogy

Jeffrey's grandmother passed away yesterday. It was sudden but it was merciful. She was still living with his mother and step-father so they were there with her when she collapsed. The ambulance was there within 5 minutes and she died an hour later, after a doctor actually took my mother-in-law at her word (over the phone) that there was a DNR order.



She lived an incredible and full life. I'm not going to mention her by name so that I can write more honestly about her life.

She was born into a family that told her she was adopted, though no one has ever proven that, and she was beaten and abused for much of her young childhood. Things that can now easily get you time in the county jail happened to her too often for me to comprehend.

She met Jeffrey's grandfather when she was in middle school and would ride the handlebars of his bike to school. They fell in love quickly and for always, though neither of their families approved of the match and his father went so far as to have him drafted into the second World War so they would be apart. The story goes that his family actually drove down to the lake where they were staying for their honeymoon and handed him a copy of a letter his father had written, recommending him for draft. She followed him to his base in Arkansas and gave birth there to a daughter, their only child.

Obstacle after obstacle presented itself as they worked to create the life they had dreamed of and planned for. Family took advantage of them time after time and promises were repeatedly broken. Somehow, in spite of all of this, they raised a beautiful daughter and and were finally able to enjoy a peaceful and happy life together. They lived with integrity and gave to anyone and everyone who needed help.



She loved Jeffrey dearly. Whenever we would go to see her, she would tell him that he was the most beautiful baby she had ever seen and certainly the best smelling. If she loved something or someone she would say, "Isn't that dear? Isn't she/he dear?" She and Penelope had an almost instant bond and much mutual admiration. She was always so kind to me. She and I would sing Gershwin and Sinatra tunes together, filling in the words the other had forgotten. She always told me that she hoped Jeffrey and I would get as many years together as she and Jim had had. Being apart from him after his death was so painful to her and she spoke out loud to him daily.



She died the way she wanted to: at home and without machines and tubes and anything artificial. She was strong and feisty and opinionated and kind and giving and so easy to love.
When I heard that she had passed, I smiled through my tears as I realized that she was finally back with Jim. She'd had to wait so long.


I can hear his bicycle bell now.

Then and now

Somehow I managed to forget a post I had been writing on Mother's Day. I've decided the pictures are a whole lot better than what I was writing. So. Instead I'll show some pictures from last year, my very first Mother's Day, and pictures from this year, just a few weeks ago.






There are some startling differences (besides Pea's exponential growth): 25 lbs are now gone, I look less and more tired, and mostly I look a little less shocked that someone was silly enough to actually send me home with a live human being and entrust me with its feeding and care.





What hasn't changed is the feeling that this just may be the most important thing I do with my life. You know that saying, "the hand that rocks the cradle rules the world"? There's nothing like raising a daughter in this time in history to make me believe it's really true.



Penelope--you are my first and so you will always be the one that made me a mama. I love you, Peanut.

I'll be home, soon

We will be moving soon. Soon and not for a while--depends on how you look at it. From a point of pure anticipation, it's many weeks out. From the standpoint of moving, organization, packing, planning, making final wall and floor color decisions (not necessarily in that order) it's soon. SOON!

I'm nervous and excited and trying not to worry about taking on an actual mortgage payment, and happy.

We have a signed contract with a local developer on some land and, if all goes according to plan, an 1840 sq. foot house should start taking shape any day now. We'll have more usable living/main floor space, another upstairs bedroom, the same amount of bathrooms (2.5-perfect), a closet pantry in the kitchen (yes!), an upstairs laundry (it's true!), and best of all, an actual neighborhood. This process has been miracle after miracle.

We thought we would be buying the "typical" first home: on the small side, with some work needed. We figured we'd sell in a few years and then get our real house: the one we'd have for a long time. The main problem with that, for us, was that we're already past the stage in our life where it feels ok to be in transition, where a fixer-upper sounds like a fun project for our free time. We don't have much free time at all. Jeffrey works very long days (and sometimes nights), and I spend my days taking care of a very busy and precocious 1 year-old while trying to keep meals planned, food-shopping done, the laundry caught up, the house kept in some sort of order, and our finances held together. On top of that, we have friendships that our very important to us and that need time and tending. On top of that, we have recently helped start a new faith community in our area and it's important to us to be active participants and help however we can. And somewhere in all of that Jeffrey and I insist on having a date night once a week.

So you see, our life is not currently conducive to fixing up or remodeling an older house, however beautiful it may be and however easily enchanted I am by the idea. And even though Jeffrey is good with his hands and with tools and so logical and the sort of man who can actually be trusted to call in the pros when they're needed.... But I digress.

The first miracle was that there was possibly land available in our area. Land that wasn't within a subdivision. The night we were all set to go look at houses with our real estate broker (also a really good friend) he called us and said he had a better idea. We went and saw three lots to choose from and immediately picked the far corner one with the lovely view. Then we went and walked through models of the three house plans that could be built there and, with almost no hesitation, picked the middle-sized one. It was the perfect size and a good price point. The day we signed our contract, the sale of the land to the developer went through for real (they'd been waiting for a while). We ended up getting such a good deal on the house that there will already be significant equity in it when we move in.

And did I mention that it's near an elementary school? A good one? With nice play structures and grounds? It's also not far from where we're currently living (though it feels worlds apart) which will make the moving process a breeze. We won't have to figure out new shopping or change our routines in the slightest.

I'm slowly entering the mind-haze of paint colors, final ideas for Pea's new room, ways to have what I want creatively and inexpensively for now, and trying to figure out what I can purchase now (while we have some extra money) and what really needs to be seen and lived with first. We'll make some changes/upgrades in the next few years once we're done having babies and once they're past toddler stage and the destruction that goes along with it.

Another miracle? We could live there for the next twenty years if we wanted. Maybe we will, maybe we won't. The point is, there won't be any rush or need for further change, barring anything else in our lives changing. Like the next pregnancy being quints, for instance.

My family never owned a house--my father was too busy moving us from place to place to place and trying to outrun the results of the choices he made. My mother wasn't always allowed an opinion or a voice, and at some point gave up trying to have one. I don't know what it's like to put down deep, deep roots and make plans for a future that you can actually imagine. I don't know what it's like to have the same friends the whole time you're growing up or not being scared of getting close to anyone in case you're about to leave. I remember apologizing to my best friend at 16, Molly, when I had to tell her that we were leaving Kentucky, and I remember thinking that it really should be my dad apologizing. I didn't want to go.

From the beginning, Jeffrey and I have been determined to change the future course and legacy of our family. It hasn't been an easy 4 years. But moments like the one where we were handed a house plan and told it was our home....well, it sure makes all the therapy sessions, budgets, and big dreams worth it.

I'll post pictures more once the building process begins.

B-r-r-r-ring

Just got off the phone. Three hours, almost, with a far-away friend. Maybe I'm just showing my age, but anymore that seems the perfect way to spend a Saturday night. Especially when you can laugh and cry. When you can share the light parts of the week as well as the heavier things that are knocking around the back of your brain.